Observing our children’s mental health

Put on your detective hats!

There is a LOT of information in the media at the moment about the potential impact this pandemic has had, is having and will have on our children (this includes little ones through to teens). While it is very important for us as parents and carers to be aware of the potential effects – I feel very strongly that parents need to be supported to know what to do, otherwise it can feel like yet more information that creates stress and anxiety for us. 

In this 4-part series of blog posts, I aim to provide parents with some useful insights and practical tools that can be used to keep an eye on our children’s mental health and wellbeing as we navigate through this pandemic. 

I’ll talk you through:

• Spotting changes 

• Figuring out timelines 

• Clarifying patterns 

• Creating a sense of safety and connection

As a first step to sussing out how our children are managing in challenging circumstances, mental health practitioners often suggest “watchful waiting.” Essentially, this means we keep a close eye on someone.  Sometimes, especially when we are worried, we can feel the strong urge to do something – so the idea that we wait and observe first can seem a little jarring. 

There is actually a lot of very useful information we can obtain by actively observing. We are mainly looking for changes – things that are different – this includes things that start/begin or stop happening. Often, we can be focused on one or the other – but it is really useful to consider both.

Please note: If you are a parent/carer reading this and have concerns about your child - please do not wait - the best thing to do is ask for help from professional services. Usually, your GP is a good place to start. The tips and tools I have set out here, are intended to be a guide for parents to work out what we are meant to be looking out for and some ideas for how to support our children through these changing times.  

Spotting changes 

As parents it helps when we can be specific about any issues we are concerned about with regards to our children. So much in our lives has changed in the midst of the pandemic; all our usual routines are out the window. With so much that is different, sussing out what has changed about our children can be even harder than usual. Plus, the standard responses of “I don’t know” or “nothing” in response to our well-meaning inquiries are all the more difficult to decipher! 

Here are three key areas to think about:  

1.    Behaviour (what our children do and don’t do) 

This includes things like appetite, eating patterns, sleep, activity levels, self-care, talking to friends & family, or interest in activities or hobbies they usually enjoyed. Again, because so much of our usual routines have changed, we have to work harder to judge these behavioural changes against the general disruption in all our lives. By noticing changes in behaviour, we can check-in to see if our children are having difficulties.

We can try to work out if any changes we have noticed are causing difficulties. For instance, a child may have a different sleep routine at the moment – later to bed and waking later – if they are getting a good night’s sleep and the changes in times are not causing any problems, then it’s likely nothing to be concerned about. However, if there is less sleep, interrupted sleep or too much sleep and your child seems unsettled by this, then it is a good idea to look into this more. 

2.    Emotions (feelings children express and don’t express) 

A useful idea here is to consider whether your child is usually outwardly expressive or tends to keep their emotions in. A change either way can be a helpful indicator that all is not well. The reality for most of our children and teens is that they are dealing with some very big emotions right now. Which is natural given what is going on in the world. 

It can be helpful to think about changes in emotions in terms of level of distress – does your child seem to be struggling to find a balance, are they easily upset (more than usual), do they seem to be really quiet and keeping to themselves. When things change it can be really hard to know how we feel, let alone be able to express it. So, some of what you may notice could just be your child trying to adjust. If we can provide the space and reassurance for our children, they may be more willing to come to us for help. 

3.    Thoughts (usually noticed by the things children say and don’t say) 

Do you notice your children saying things that are at odds with what they normally would? (Granted, children frequently say some really random stuff at the best of times, so I mean odd even for your child…!). 

Children don’t always have the words to express their thoughts clearly – and the age of your child/ren will also have an impact on this. Sometimes when there is something our children are finding difficult to think about, they might actively avoid a topic/conversation. They might talk incessantly about a particular theme – with conversations generally tending to lead back to something related to the particular topic. Other times, you might notice themes in children’s play (both individual and joint play) or drawing. 

These three elements; behaviours, emotions and thoughts, can provide a useful barometer for what is going on with our children. When we notice changes – be it in one area or across all three – it’s always worth checking in with our kids and teens and offering additional support. 

My hope is that our children feel able to come to us with their worries and concerns, so these observations will be an extra piece of information that can help us come up with solutions to help. I always say, if in doubt ask – talk to your child, speak to others who have contact with your child, both inside and outside of the family. By having open conversations about what we notice, we are more likely to invite our children to talk openly about what they experience.  

In the next post in this series, I’ll talk about timelines and phases – because it is also useful to consider when you noticed the changes and whether they are just a passing phase or something that requires more help to shift.

Photo by Benjamin Manley on Unsplash

Disclaimer - This blog post is for information purposes only and not published in place of the author’s professional advice. If you are worried about your child or teen’s mental health or wellbeing or think that they may be at risk in some way, it is important that you get help from professional services.