Musings about parenthood as a Clinical Psychologist
And then I realised how much I had to learn!
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Parenting is a rewarding and precious experience – it’s hardly ever exactly what we imagined it would be, and no two children are the same. Similarly, no two parents or families are the same. We spend time preparing before our babies arrive, but once they are here, it can be a bit of a mine field knowing what to do for the best. There are many “experts” out there professing their approach is the best, irrespective of the individual situation.
As a parent and a Clinical Psychologist, I am struck by the lack of support that is given to parents to increase their confidence and ability to listen to their intuition when it comes to making parenting choices. There is so much pressure out there, to raise the perfect little humans, with a myriad of conflicting and over simplified “techniques”. Lets face it, there is no such thing as a perfect child, because there is no such thing as a perfect human being. I believe these unrealistic expectations create high levels of stress and anxiety that in turn create difficulties where there don’t need to be any, or at least not to the extent there often is.
More than anything, becoming a parent has been THE MOST humbling experience of my existence. All my prior held assumptions about how I would approach situations fell away the moment I was confronted by this little being, that needed me for her every need and I found myself radically altering my perspective and relying on a mix of ideas and techniques I had studied previously.
Of all the approaches, Attachment theory instinctively felt right. I started to realise that all the influences of my background, particularly growing up in Ghana and witnessing as commonplace mothers carrying their babies throughout the day, breastfeeding without a care in the world, sleeping right next to their children and essentially just responding to their babies needs for comfort and closeness, had left a very strong imprint in my yet to be explored motherhood brain.
I remembered with horror a conversation I once had with a new mother, who was struggling to adjust to the demands of work with a young infant at home. A key issue was how tired she felt, as her baby regularly woke during the night. I calmly and might I add, “authoritatively” explained to her that she should leave her child to “cry it out” as her son would thus learn to “self soothe.”
Oh my! She very calmly asked whether I had any children of my own… and then suggested that I go have some kids first before I proposed this idea as a solution. I am thankful for her strength and confidence in being able to put me in my place, it gave me pause for thought. As a new parent, I found myself remembering her conviction and her unwillingness to yield to the pressure of others to do something that felt intuitively wrong to her.
My hope is to create a resource for parents and carers, that provides support, encouragement and information that can help them to make parenting choices that are positive, responsive to their children’s individual needs and personalities and that are ultimately based on real evidence.
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